Dating

Purity Defined

In 1 John 1:8 we read, “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” Aside from Christ, everyone who has ever drawn a breath is born a sinner and is born with a natural desire to sin. Even when we are saved, and a “new creature” in Christ, our flesh still desires the pleasures of sin. But does that mean that we must continue to sin? With the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, Paul wrote, “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?” Though we are Christians – Saints of God, we are not yet in our glorified bodies. Our spirit has been quickened and made alive, yet our flesh still wants to sin. Despite our temptation, as Christians, we also have the ability within us and the tools available to us to choose whether we will sin or not. Sadly, we exercise our right as a Christian to choose to sin. Though we are not automatically made immune to the temptation of sin, we can choose whether we will sin or not. From the moment we are saved, through the remainder of our lives, we can choose to be perfectly pure. To be perfectly pure is the goal to which we, as Christians, should all aspire. Though some disagree, perfect purity, or living without sin, is possible and should be the goal of every saint of God. No, I am not disregarding scriptures which tell us that we have all have sinned (Romans 3:23, Romans 5:12, 2 Corinthians 13:2), but in all of these verses, notice the tense. In each case, the verb sin is in the past tense such as, “…all have sinned…” However, the fact that we have all sinned in the past does not mean that we are all doomed to sin again. Any sin we commit is the result of a choice we have made to sin. In fact, Jesus Himself, when dealing with the woman in John chapter 8, told her to go and sin no more (John 8:11). Jesus clearly set a standard for her as well as all mankind: He wants us to lead a life where we choose not to sin through the grace and power of the Holy Ghost and the knowledge of the Word of God. Was Jesus setting a standard too high for us to reach? Of course not!

Romans 6:1-2 What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? (2) God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?

Romans 6:1-2 is just as clear as Jesus’ command to the woman in John 8. We who are saved should not be subject to sin, we can choose whether we will sin or not. There are several tools we have at our disposal which we can choose to use to defeat the temptation of sin. The first tool we have is a prerequisite we must have to obtain the other tools. This tool is salvation. Salvation is a free gift offered by God. The gift of salvation is accepted by faith in the completed work of Jesus Christ on the Cross of Calvary alone. Without Christ’s work of salvation, the other tools we have are simply unavailable or are meaningless to us. The second tool we have is the Spirit of God. The Holy Spirit of God fully indwells the believer at the very moment of salvation. This is the same Holy Spirit of God that stood on nothing and spoke the world into existence. This Holy Spirit lives within the believer and the power of the Holy Spirit is available to the believer. Third, we have the Word of God. How powerful is the Word of God? Christ, when He was on Earth walking in the flesh of man, was subject to the same temptations we all face. Christ was tempted by Satan himself. Each time Satan tempted Christ, Christ responded with simple answers from the Word of God, and each time, Satan was defeated. Psalms 119:11 says plainly, “Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.” Fourth, we have the protection of God. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 we read, “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” The promise of 1 Corinthians 10:13 combined with Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me,” should show us that we can truly live a life without sin. When, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, Paul wrote Philippians 4:13 and said that he could do all things, he included overcoming the temptation to sin. What does it mean to be pure? There are several definitions of pure. To be pure is to be free from dust, dirt, or taint; to be free from what weakens or pollutes; to be free from moral fault or guilt; to be marked by chastity. Given these definitions, everyone should aspire to a state of absolute purity. While it is true that we should all try to live daily with the aspiration to be sinless through the power of the Holy Ghost, here we are speaking specifically of physical and emotional purity. In our society today, we are bombarded by the media portraying sexual standards that are entirely unbiblical even to the point of being vile. Today’s world is plagued with sexually transmitted diseases, has so many illegitimate children that many high schools now have day care centers and, as a society, sees the murder of an unborn child as an acceptable form of birth control. All of these problems are a direct result of the culture of sexual impurity that is promoted in our society. The clearest indicators of the decline of sexual morals are the statistics. In 1950, only 30% of the population was sexually active by the age of 19 (Please remember that this includes a great deal of people who were married before the age of twenty). The Centers for Disease Control report that today, nearly 75% of the population is sexually active by the age of nineteen while the average age of those who are married has risen to over thirty years. In the context of sexual purity, many would say that to be pure is to be a virgin. The statistics above are based upon the definition of sexually active as “no longer a virgin”; they do not take into account other activities that are clearly sexual); In fact, many teens only consider one act to be “sex”, however this is not the attitude of the Word of God. Jesus said in Matthew 5:28 that it is possible to commit adultery in your heart just by looking at someone. If this is true, then it is equally true that you can commit sexual sin through other physical activities. Pop culture tells us anything is ok so long as you are ready, but what is ready in their definition? Some say you are ready when you can make a commitment, others say marriage, others have no standard at all. In this text, we will show you how far is too far, and how you can determine when you ARE ready – based on the Word of God.

Guidelines for Dating

Gen 2:24: Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

In the Garden of Eden, God created the first family as well as the institution of marriage. Since then, mankind has used a variety of means to put two young people together in marriage. Dating is often used as one of those methods. When we consider the totality of dating, or courting, or whatever you want to call it, we must look at each of the individual aspects of dating. The first aspect of a proper relationship that we need to consider is the relationship with God. God’s thoughts are of us. Consider:

Psalm 139:17-18 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

This passage shows us that God’s thoughts are continually upon us, that God’s thoughts of us are more numerous than the sand. When the dating or courting relationship takes ones focus off of God, it is improper. God clearly has instructed us that He is to always be at the forefront of our lives. Anything that takes away from God’s preeminence in our lives is simply a sin. In Deuteronomy 4:24 we are warned that God is jealous of anyone or anything that takes away from His Glory. The next two passages to consider tell us that we should be wholly consumed with the service of God. Nothing should stand in the way of this service.

Mark 12:29-30 “And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.”

Rom 12:1-2 “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

The two passages above are in sharp contrast to all-consuming types of relationships we see today. In modern dating, the focus is on self. Even though it may appear that the partner is in upon a pedestal, this is only as a tool to gain one’s own self-satisfaction. Even in the rare case where one truly has the good of the partner at heart, that partner may still be elevated above God. Anytime anything is elevated above God, it becomes a god itself and it is wrong. Even before one should consider dating, he must make absolutely sure that he is completely willing to be a sacrifice for God. It is only when one reaches this level of service to God that he should consider dating. Next, one must consider his relationship with his parents. In an improper dating relationship, the partner will take precedence over the parents. Often one will convince the other to do things that his or her parents would not approve. In many cases, parents may not even approve of the partner or the relationship. In these cases, the parents must always have the final word. In a proper dating relationship, the parents have full knowledge of everything that goes on, and they will approve of it. This does not mean that one who has ungodly parents who approve of an immoral activity has freedom to participate in the immoral activity. In fact, parents who are out of the will of God may take little or no role in the courting relationship. However, the approval one’s Godly parents is one key ingredient in the mix that makes a proper courtship.

Exodus 20:12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.

Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

Quite simply, parents may elect not to choose your friends, but they have the authority of God to exercise veto power over any potential friend. On a more practical point, parents know and understand a teen’s feelings. Believe it or not, parents were once also teens. Not only do they know what a teen is thinking and feeling, but parents can see things about the potential date that you may not see. Parents also understand your date’s feelings and desires. Parents may recognize danger signs that you do not see, and it is the parents’ responsibility to protect you from these dangers. Young ladies should rely on their dads and young men should rely on their mothers. In both cases, the parents have an insight into how your date thinks. They can see and understand things to which the teen may be blinded. Of course, anyone looking at a potential spouse should also look to the pastor and his wife for advice. The pastor will have insight into things about the potential spouse that no one else can see. There may be situations which are not public, situations only the pastor knows, which may disqualify the potential mate. The pastor and his wife should also be able to provide good counsel for the young person who does not have Godly parents in the home. One also needs to be aware of how he can defraud his parents or his date’s parents. This is truer with the ladies than the men, but it does apply to both. As we progress through this study, we will bring out several aspects of the wedding ceremony also. In this case, there is a point in the ceremony where the preacher asks something like, “Who gives this bride?” Why does the preacher ask this question? The answer is simple. Children are a gift from God, but not so much a gift as a loan. Children are given to parents to instruct and train in the things of God. Parents are responsible to bring their children to the point where they are ready to form their own home and have their own children. At the point of marriage, the man becomes the head of a new home, answering to the Lord. Ladies, in God’s order, become the queen of the home. They are in a place of honor but the husband is the head of the home. At this point in the wedding, the father will literally give his daughter to her future husband. If, up to this point, the girl has given her affection or loyalty to anyone other than her parents and the Lord, she has defrauded them. She has literally stolen those affections from her father and given them to another. Likewise, she has stolen purity from her husband. Next, one must to consider his relationship to his future spouse. There are many aspects of this relationship to consider, but let’s focus on two: the physical and the emotional. In any relationship, there is an emotional bond that is constructed. If the relationship is not the one God has intended, that emotional bond will be broken and emotional scarring will take place. Every time an emotional bond is created and broken, the emotional scarring weakens the strength of the next bond. Not only is each subsequent emotional bond weakened, but also relationships become easier to end. The first breakup is gut-wrenching. The second breakup is not as bad and the trend continues until breakups become easy. Some Christians, including myself, relate contemporary dating as practice for divorce. Contemporary dating simply makes the process of ending a relationship too easy. Finally, when you find the right person, any little dispute will seem to be large enough to end the relationship. My belief is that the advent of contemporary dating combined with the explosion of sexual immorality are two of the major causes of the dramatic increase in the rate of divorces in the United States. Improper dating also creates a physical desire. A desire to express affection physically is natural, and is a gift from God. But, the expression of this gift is restricted to the bounds of marriage. Outside of marriage, the romantic expression of affection physically is illegitimate. Any physical contact between a two people who are romantically involved causes feelings of desire that cannot be legitimately fulfilled outside of marriage. Because a desire that cannot be legitimately fulfilled outside of marriage is created, that contact is a sin. This is not to say that any contact between a man and a woman is illegitimate. The contact itself it not wrong. However, within the context of a dating couple, physical contact creates a strong temptation to sin if not the sin itself. Remember: the desire to have something you cannot have is lust. 1Corinthians 7:1-2 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. (2) Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Paul is quite clear: except for his wife, a man should not touch a woman because it creates an atmosphere for fornication. With regard to a dating couple, they already desire physical contact. If you add some contact, the sexual process is started. If physical affection is shared, and it is not in the proper context of marriage, then the true spouse is defrauded. Affection that was intended for him or her is taken away.

1 Corinthians 7:5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Exodus 20:17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.

1 Corinthians 6:13 Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body.

Illegitimate contact during a dating relationship can also spoil the physical relationship that will ultimately take place in marriage. There are a couple of possible reasons for this: The first is that there will always be a desire for bigger and better physical relations. As two people become more familiar and more comfortable with each other they will expand all aspects of their relationship. If either person is “practiced” in the physical aspects, he or she will have something to compare to in the marriage, and the marriage may never seem adequate. I am also convinced that God will deprive a couple of some degree of physical pleasure if they come to their marriage impure. Whichever of these theories is true, neither will take place if you approach the marriage with a pure heart and body.